Thirteen years ago today began the first day that I would have to live the entire day with out my first born son. The devastation encompassed my whole being then and encompasses my psyche now but only on certain days of the year...mostly just on his birthday and then always, always on the anniversary of his passing. I can't believe that it has been 13 years...it seems like a blink and like 2 lifetimes ago all at the same time. Kristofer-Michael was an angel sent to me. A small part of my soul died with him on April 22, 1997. It was one of those events that would change the course of my being. I can remember very clearly, even now, our evening routines...me holding and rocking him in my glider while singing "Lullaby" and then gently placing him in his crib where he would sleep peacefully. I would wake up in the morning and happily enter his room singing, "Good Morning to You"...a song I still sing to his sister and brother each morning. I would reach in his crib and pick up his smiling face, kiss him all over and get his bottle ready. We would sit again in the rocker and I would rock and sing while he ate. I remember those big and trusting blue eyes staring back at me and in those moments all was right with the world. I clearly remember our last morning together. It was much like any other morning with me singing softly to him and Kristofer smiling back. I remember putting him in the car seat and handing him his favorite toy...a little stuffed lizard that still sits on my dresser in front of his picture. I can still hear his soft cooing as he waved his lizard happily and we put him in the car. I can see myself getting out of the car and reaching in the back seat to kiss him goodbye. I can still hear my voice telling him "Mommy will see you later, pumpkin." They were my last kisses and words to my son. I can remember being in the office at the McDonald's just before 2pm counting cash and getting a deposit ready when one of my crew members came back to tell me that there was a fireman here to see me. I can hear his hallow word as he told me I needed to leave with him. I can hear the panic in my voice as I ask what was wrong and what was going on. He just said that I needed to leave with him...that something happened at home. I called Mike...a police officer answered our home phone. I was told to just come home. I can feel myself walking through the parking lot at the McDonald's and the fireman finally telling me that there was something that happened with my son. I almost collapsed. He had to help me in the truck. We drove fast with the siren blaring...to this day emergency sirens will send me back to the moments that I keep locked in my heart and mind. I can still see the police outside the house and entering to see my mother crying and Michael holding my sweet boy who was now cold and unmoving. I can still feel the surreality of that moment as I stared in disbelief. I often wonder what Kristofer would look like today. I wonder what he would be into...maybe soccer or football or would he be playing an instrument. Yes, the course of my being was changed forever on April 22, 1997...I have not let it paralyze me but I also will never forget. Kristofer, I love you.
