Easter Past

Interestingly enough as I plan an Easter Quest with my quickly growing kids who are nearly too old for a traditional Easter Egg Hunt, I am sober...thinking of an Easter past...1997...the only holiday I spent with Kristofer. I think I am having these sullen type feelings because his anniversary is on Good Friday this year. I can still see his smiling face in front of me at my ex-mother-in-laws. I can hear his laugh and I can still feel his warmth on my chest as his tiny baby breaths rise and fall. Amazing how 14 years flies by in a flash and how quickly I can be transported right back to that time. In the business of life, there are admittedly days where my angel baby does not cross my mind, although he is always in my heart. Fourteen years later, I don't think the hurt will ever go away. I was woken by a voice in a dream this week...it was a boy calling out "Mommma"...I think it was my Kristofer. The voice was loud. It sounded so real. It shook me a little as I listened into the night for my Noah who was sleeping peacefully in his own bed in the room next door. I was left wondering if there was something that he was trying to tell me. Tonight I hug my earth bound babies a little tighter as I am so very thankful for everyday that I have with them.

Blackbird - A Labor of Love

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night...take these broken wings and learn to fly...all your life...you were only waiting for this moment to arrive...blackbird singing in the dead of night...take these sunken eyes and learn to see...all your life...you were only waiting for this moment to be free...blackbird fly...blackbird fly...into the light of a dark black night." - The Beatles

Nearly 7 years ago this song was played as our wedding march. Then the lyrics had a different meaning to us in our lives as a young lesbian couple facing a world of adversity. It reminded me then of how to keep going and pick up the pieces. I guess it still does but for different reasons. Although I am very passionate about gay rights, particularly marriage equality, it is not the be all end all of my existence as it once was. I find smaller ways to make my mark on the world. Smaller more important ways that I hope open people eyes to see that Amy and I are just like any other couple, we are normal. We face the same kinds of ups and downs that any couple also endures. We face the same kinds of parenting struggles that all parents face. We just go on about living our lives and raising our amazing kids to show the world that we are the same as everyone else.

The last year and 5 and a half months have been some of the most trying ones of my life. There have been some highs and a lot of very low lows. There have been times when I thought the end of the greatest deep love relationship was near. It sometimes felt as though we were in such a deep hole and so far apart from each other that it seemed as though we could not see our way out of the mess we had made of our relationship. There has a lot of deep soul searching for the both of us. A lot of learning has occurred. Re-learning how to communicate with each other. Re-learning how to listen...really listen. Re-learning how to speak to each other. Re-learning how to love each other. We have also learned that our relationship is a work in progress and we really have to work at it for it to work. We have learned that we are most important. If we cannot function together, everything else suffers...most of all parenting humans and animals. We have learned that we have to take time for us. We have learned to "take these broken wings and learn to fly." We have learned that we have to keep learning how to fly "all your life". We have learned that we have to "take these sunken eyes and learn to see"...see each other. Blackbird singing in the dead of night is not really about facing adversity and surviving anymore. It's about running a marathon. It's about getting through the highs and lows of our relationship. It's about getting through the really bad stuff to get to the next level. It's about evolving within ourselves and with eachother. I am certain that we will sustain more broken wings and have to learn to fly again and again. We will be waiting for this moment to arise. As stated in my Valentine this morning, "I am so happy that we continue to work on us. We are so worth it." Yes we are my love. We are so worth it.